Getting there (the long and winding road)

Before I met Kevin I considered myself childfree.  For those of you not in the know that's a group of people who don't have children -- not because they can't, but because they don't want to.  It's a lifestyle choice that I fully support and understand.

Then everything changed for me.  I started having new dreams about being pregnant and having a baby.  The ones I'd had before were generally nightmares in which mewling aliens ripped their way out of my body. [I wish I were kidding, folks.]  But these new dreams were me wanting to be pregnant and enjoying the process.  They were of me having a baby and being happy about it.

In addition to the dreams, at this time my sister was nearing the end of her second pregnancy and I was finishing up my first year of law school.  Since I didn't have a job lined up for the summer I decided to go to Missouri and watch my niece and help take care of my sister post pardum.

Let me back up for a minute, here.  When my sister had her first baby I was living in Springfield.  I was working at my first post-college job and my sister was 19.  She was induced at 10am had her water broken at 6pm and gave birth at 5am. She had this massive baby (naturally and without stitches, I might add) and I thought she was a crazy pants.  Kitti* was beautiful (even with her ginormous** alien head), but I thought Lolli was borderline insane.  As it turned out Kitti was a colicky baby and spent a lot of the time I was around her crying.  This didn't really impact my ideas of having a child in a positive way.

So, a handful of years later Lolli is having another baby girl.  This one arrived much earlier in the day after less labor and was a much more manageable size.  She did come out with a true knot in the umbilical cord which, as I understand it, is extremely rare.  Sunshine was also beautiful and I spent a great deal more time with her in her newborn state, as I was unemployed and living with my parents while in Missouri.  She was a very subdued infant and she only cried when she was hungry or needed to be changed.  I was enthralled and I found myself sitting on the couch with her one night bawling my eyes out as I stared at her.  I suddenly realized that I wouldn't mind having a baby of my own.

Let me be realistic: I wasn't suddenly overwhelmed with the desire for a house full of children.  I just thought that if the opportunity presented itself then I would not decline said opportunity.  However, as I was currently single (having recently split {amicably} with my seven year boyfriend and, more recently, Kevin) and believed that any future relationship would almost certainly be Sapphic in nature, I didn't foresee the opportunity presenting itself in any near future.  This would give me plenty of time to ponder the realities and possible consequences of this line of thought before it was brought into fruition.  I.e. I could think about how many kids I might want and how far apart they should be and I could start thinking of possible names.  I am, after all, a control freak and it's difficult to be in control when you're flying by the seat of your pants (as so often childbearing seems to be).

Then, just as suddenly as it had ended, my relationship with Kevin resumed.  Luckily, I was armed with Mirena so I could still make copious plans before I was faced with the reality of a child.  I went back to New York, but later moved to Texas and married Kevin.  Shortly thereafter we were presented with the unenviable situation of having two of his teen sisters come to live with us.  One left (being eighteen) and later we were joined by his mother.  All family planning was put on hold while this situation was in place. I had time to review my ideas of parenting and found that I wasn't happy with how I was dealing with a teenage girl and the issues associated therewith.  It wasn't long until I was more scared of having kids than I had ever been.  Still, Kevin wanted children and I was on board...as long as it was in the right conditions.

I wasn't willing to bring a child into the chaos in which we were living.  I wasn't willing to raise a child with a warped sense of family, a propensity for lying, or the massive codependence in which I was immersed.  I gave an ultimatum that, while I'm not particularly proud of, was ultimately what was needed to raise a child.  Either we leave the vicinity of this family or we don't have kids.  Kevin still believes I would have given in, but I am more stubborn that even he realizes when something is that important to me.

Needless to say, we moved to Missouri.  All the pieces were now in place for me to actually have a child.  How terrifying!  Despite my misgivings and worries, I was (I foolishly believed) ready to start this chapter of my life.  I knew I didn't want more than two children, I had names picked out for both a boy and a girl, and I was reading books on alternative styles of parenting (later there will be book reviews, I know you're thrilled). If I was not ready (as the saying goes, no one is) I was at least prepared to get pregnant.  It was now a matter of making it happen. 

*While the primary players are named, the secondaries are masked.  Not for any particular reason other than I feel safe enough sharing my own info, but not that of anyone else.
** I can't see or hear this word without thinking of some commercial in which it's called 'grammatically questionable, but widely accepted'.  I find that description delightful.